Giving and taking

In this season of giving and sharing of ourselves, it's important that we also remember to take care of ourselves. I've talked to many moms who say things such as, "I'd like to come to the retreat, but it will be just too difficult for my child if I leave." I get that. I used to say very similar things.

I was shopping this week for stocking stuffers, and I was tempted to buy a few for the Mama-stocking. However, I had to stop myself, trusting that the Santa in my life will remember to take care of that. It was a good moment to stop and think about allowing others to give as well.

So often, we as moms through adoption are called upon to give and give and give some more without any expectation of return. Children who have been through painful separations and trauma often can give to strangers, looking for 'the next parent' just in case these ones don't work out. They may, however, find it difficult to give that same attention, cuddle, or smile to you. There are lots of good resources about attachment out there.

Every year around this time, we see echoes of past hurts in the behaviours, body movements, facial expressions, and words of our children. A wise friend told me this week that, for children of traumatic backgrounds, "Christmas was often the last hope to hold the family together." I believe that.

However, I'm learning to build constant bridges over the inevitable daily separations that my children must experience. My goal is that they do not have another separation that is "just too much to bear" (in the words of Dr. Gordon Neufeld.) When I kiss my kids good-night, I mention that I'm going to check on them in a few minutes, that I'm going to see them in the morning, or that I'm going to see them in my dreams. When I drop my teen off at work, I tell her what time I'll be there to pick her up. Little bridges so that they can start to feel that rubber band between us; the one that brings up back together when we've separated. Whether it's for a minute, a day, a weekend, or longer - we'll be together again as we should be.

I still miss my children when I'm away, and I hope as well that they are missing me on some level. However, these separations are not the traumatic separations of their past.

We still often have "fall-out" when we're back together, but that's okay. It's safe for my child(ren) to let me know that they didn't like being apart. And, hopefully, I've come back renewed, revitalized, and ready to give them everything they need.

That's my job - to preserve the attachment. It doesn't mean we have to be physically attached at all times, because we can build the connection between us through moments, days, and weeks of "see you in a few minutes; see you in the morning; see you after school."

What's the point of this ramble? Just to say that I understand that it can be really difficult to leave your children. If you are able to, however, there is a group of other moms who just might 'get it.'

Happy holidays and blessing for 2012.
Teresa

So, who is coming for dinner?

Here is the list of those who are registered so far - come and join us!
(Updated December 21, 2011)

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

• Amanda
• Angeline
• Arnica
• Chelsea
• Cherylee
• Debbie
• Dianna
• Jen
• Joyanne
• Justine
• Michelle
• Sandy
• Shelley
• Tara
• Teresa
• YOUR NAME HERE

House update

A few weeks ago, I went for a long walk around the Silver Star Village (the hubbie and I had a "Parents Away" weekend!) After seeing that it was a fair walk  between the original two houses I had booked, I've switched the second house to this gorgeous looking house. It's in the same cul-de-sac as the first house.

I can't keep saying "first house" and "second house" so I'm going to create some names to keep things straight.

House #1 - Halcyon (house-mama - Teresa)
House #2 - Tranquility (house-mama  Chelsea)

It looks as if all the solo rooms are taken, but there are LOTS of shared rooms available. These are reasonable (i.e. CHEAP)! Get a group of friends together or come on your own and meet some women who really "get it."

Halcyon:
* five  beds still available ($100 for bed; $50 for food= $150 for a FANTASTIC weekend)

1. two beds available in a room for four people (two single/single bunks)
2. three beds available in a room with two single beds and one single/single bunks

Tranquility
* six beds still available (prices for bed in brackets; $50 per person for food regardless of bed)

1. one room with two queen ($130) /single bunks ($100)
2. one room with a double (TAKEN) /single bunk ($100)
3. one room with a king-sized bed ($200)

Any questions? Sent in your deposit? Please email me at tmkisil at gmail.com.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

Registration now open!!

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

We're just asking for a $50 deposit only at this time. We have two houses booked for the weekend, but we are going to fill the larger one first. Food is $50 per person, regardless of the room you book. There will also be an administrative fee for using EventBrite.

Here are the total costs for the first house:
* master bedroom with ensuite & sitting room -  $220 per room (SOLD OUT)
* master bedroom with ensuite - $180 per room (SOLD OUT)
* regular bedroom (no ensuite, one queen bed) $160 per room (SOLD OUT in the first house; three in the second)
* queen futon, single bed, bunk etc. - $100 per bed - 10 in the first house; 6 in the second). These are still great! I will honour as many roomie requests as possible. Once you've put done your deposit, email me and we'll talk.

This is our first house and this is our second (same as last year's retreat).

After you have sent in your deposit, please send me an email (tmkisil at gmail.com) to let me know. I'll also let you know who else is coming if you want to know!

If you'd like to know a bit more about Moms Away, check out these posts from last year.
Have Faith - Will Dream: Mum's Weekend Off - What we do when we get time off!
My article for AFABC magazine

Moms Away 2012 - coming soon!

Registration will open later this week. And, how is this for AMAZING timing! Dr. Bruce Perry is conducting a two-day workshop in Kelowna Thursday, May 24 and Friday, May 25. I've got to figure out a way to get to that. Imagine how on fire we all will be after listening to him and then having two days with other amazing moms to assimilate, discuss, debate, and reflect.

However, even if you can't come to Dr. Perry's workshop, I sure hope you can come to the retreat! We have two houses reserved for the weekend, for a grand total of 25 women. I've already heard from a number of people that they want to come, so get those credit cards ready! We'll be booking through EventBrite this year to keep the audit trail nice and clean.

May 2012 is going to be amazing; dare I say life-altering! Watch for more information here - and tell your friends. We all need each other!

Final report

I was asked to write a few paragraphs for the AFABC e-news. I thought I would also post a copy here.

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"Moms Away 2011" was the first annual retreat for adoptive moms held this May at Silver Star, BC. Although the participants could have wished for warmer weather (and less snow), the weekend was still worthwhile in so many ways. There is a subtle beauty in the coming together of a new group, with friendships seamlessly formed by a common bond - in our case, adoption. We shared our stories, knowing that we were in a place of non-judgement. With wonder, we all saw that we were not alone in our struggles or our joys. We all came together for rest, support, but also for affirmation that there are others who understand - and celebrate - our paths.

It's difficult to write about the weekend in some ways, as it was such a 'set-apart' time. It's not a case of 'what is said at the retreat, stays at the retreat' although I think we all appreciate the agreement of confidentiality. Words simply cannot express the instant connection between people, the reconnecting of existing friendships, or the deepening understanding of our shared journeys. I think one of the most powerful aspects for me was the recognition that this was 'real.' There was no sugar-coating or covering up. We told the truth how we felt and saw it, and we weren't judged for it.

We also learned so much from one another. This retreat was like an intensive workshop, where you are surrounded by parenting experts who are willing to tell you anything you want to know. But, it was a workshop with chocolate!

During the weekend, individuals or smaller groups often broke off to walk, shop, talk, dance, or simply rest. There were few planned activities, so each participant felt empowered to do just what she wanted to. With masssages, good food, and great conversation, the time passed quickly.

The Victoria Foundation generously provided us with a grant to support these 10 moms (who, in total, have 51 children!). I believe the money was well-spent, as I saw women who give so much to their children and families, be on the receiving end of gifts and generousity.

Sunday morning came quickly, yet saw moms ready to return to their 'regular' lives with a few more addreses in their email, a couple of hugs, and a promise of 'same time, next year!'

Don't just take my word for it

We had an amazing time - have a look at Justine's blog entry about Moms Away 2011.

Have Faith - Will Dream: Mum's Weekend Off - What we do when we get time off!

2012 Dates - updated

Pencil next year's retreat into your calendar. It will be the same weekend (the one following the Canadian May long weekend, also known as "May Long.")

WHEN - May 25 - 27, 2012
WHERE - Silver Star (let's hope spring comes earlier next year)
WHY - because this year was amazing and because you deserve it!
HOW MANY - 29-40

I don't expect the wild & crazy registration process that the Orlando folks had, so registrations will open in the fall sometime. However, if you are interested and would like to be on the mailing list, send me a quick note at tmkisil at gmail.com.

You deserve it!

Home again

Thank you so much to all the amazing women I met - or reconnected to - this weekend. I haven't really processed all that I got out of the weekend other than a deep appreciation for the work that you all do. And, by saying so, I can also pat myself on the back for sticking with this day after day.

I appreciated the words of wisdom, the common ground we all walk upon, the different perspectives and experiences, the laughter that sometimes bordered on hilarity and sometimes on tears, the peace, the walks, and so much more.

Perhaps in a month or two, I'll have a greater sense of what it is that I really learned. For now, it was enough that I was just there, surrounded by a panel of parenting experts. You ladies rock - seriously!

Snow? Seriously?

We're less than a week to June and we have snow? Really? Let's just keep that stereotype of Canada being a land of ice and snow going strong! Last year at this time, we were already out on the boat, wakeboarding and having fun.

The photo is taken off the skihill's webcam TODAY!

Good thing the hottub is turned on already! Down here in the valley, things are not white, but very green from all the rain. As I parked this morning at work, I had to wait for a duck to swim out of my parking spot. The puddles are that large!

Snow or rain, sun or not, we are going to have a wonderful time this weekend. One more sleep!!!

Happy Dance

Huge shout-out to Dianna whose magic grant-writing skills landed our retreat with a Victoria Foundation grant. I am so thrilled that I can offer some 'extras' for these moms who work so hard out of love and dedication. I have all sorts of ideas rolling around in my little mind. (picture me rubbing my hands together with delight)

Thanks Dianna!!!

One week left!

That's all - nothing else to say. See you next Friday!

Last-minute opening

Hello everyone,
I have a last-minute opening available. If you - or someone you know - needs a weekend like this, please let me know asap. We may be able to even help out a bit with the cost if that is an issue.

Teresa

Bring your parka!

Every morning, I look towards Silver Star and hope that I won't see snow on "them thar hills." However, snow there is and unless global warming kicks in, we're likely to have at least some snow on the ground at the end of the month.

So, in addition to all the other things you're bringing, you might want to throw in a warm jacket and toque!

See you in a few weeks ~ snow or shine!

forty-nine

Forty-nine - that's not my age (not quite yet) but the number of days until Moms Away! I'm so excited, and yet, a little nervous.

When I first started organizing this, I thought, "Oh well, I'll go even if no one else does." Now, however, there are nine other moms giving up time with their families to travel here and hang out together. We seem to have two groups of five moms who know each other in real life. I think it's interesting how that has come together.

I haven't spent a bunch of time worrying about people getting to know one another, knowing that women can usually find something to talk about. However, I do want it to be more than just a weekend away (although that's good in itself). I so want it to be a place where the unthinkable can be thought, the unspeakable can be whispered, spoken, or maybe even shouted. I want it to be a place of healing, resting, laughter, relaxation, good food... I deeply desire that the women will find something over the weekend that will help them in even a small way.

Don't want much, do I? I guess I just don't want to disappoint these amazing women.

No point fretting about it now. In just 49 sleeps, I can fret about it in real-time!

I Won't Let Go

Last night, we had  crazy, tear-your-hair-out meltdowns from one of the three. Finally, the child in question fell asleep, exhausted beyond measure by the extremity of her emotions and physical actions. My husband and I, bruised both physically and emotionally ourselves by the length and depth of the crap  feelings, collapsed on the couch and asked ourselves, "What was THAT all about?"

Oh - that's right - school resumed yesterday after a two-week break. She had been telling us, "I don't want to go back to school." And, even though it was a red-letter day at school, with recognition in front of the school assembly for excellence in social behaviours (perhaps because of that), it was just too much for her.

I've never actually heard a child scream that loudly. At one point - when she was kicking and punching me while screaming - I opened the front door and stood on the front step so that the neighbours could see that I was not doing anything to my child other than standing in the fire.

And, then, at the end there is, of course, shame. That's one of the toughest to deal with - it's such an insidious emotion, working from within to destroy and damage one's own self-value. Guilt says, "I did a bad thing." Shame whispers, "I am a bad person."

On Tuesdays, I leave early (around 6:30) to commute an hour to work. On my way, I heard a song that brought me to tears and lightened my heart at the same time. It reflects my feelings towards my kids and also towards the adoption connection and communities that have become my lifeline - both "real" and "virtual."

I won't let go either.

Desperately Seeking Something

Yesterday, my hubbie asked me for a list of blogs to read of people in his position. The problem is, I don't know of any and so I'm asking for help.

He is the stay-at-home parent and, therefore, often the main target of all the yuckies. We would both like me to be in his shoes, but that's just not the way our world is working. So, I get to leave every day for eight hours of sanity work while he stays home.

I've given him my list of blogs that keep me sane and help me deal with the meltdowns, the rejection, the triangulation, the bullying, etc. and he has started to read them. However, it really would be great if there were at least a few from a man's perspective that he could access as well.

Anyone know of any?

Coming Home

I often think about what it was like for our children to come home. I still remember our original Family Day almost five years ago. It was a difficult day for all of us. The children had already been to our house many times, and in fact had moved all their "stuff" in. However, that placement day was still painful.

I remember my youngest daughter (two at the time) and how she sat in stunned silence in the back of the van as we drove away from the only home she could remember. I can still hear the screams of my then three-year old son as he demanded "Go back! Take me back!" The echoes of his screams are still punctuated in my memory by the heart-wrenching sobs of my then eleven-year old.

I was prepared for many things as we adopted, but I was not prepared for that day. In my excitement to be a parent, I lost sight of the fact that my children would be hurt as we moved them from that home to ours.

It would be months before my son would stop saying, "Okay, I've visited long enough. Take me back now." Whenever I see pictures of that last day/first day, I still feel my heart contract for my kids and their pain.

Letter to grandparents

welcome to my brain . net: A letter to grandparents of children with RAD

This is amazing - I have sent it to all the grandparents involved in my children's lives, adoptive or biological.

Ring give-away

My husband's wedding ring went missing shortly after our children came home - a side-effect of RAD, we think. We grieved that loss/theft for quite some time. Here is a family willing to raffle off the mom's wedding ring to help bring their children home. I had to post a link. Please help spread the word.

Connections

This is a copy of a post I wrote for my private blog, but I thought it might be a good one to share here as well.

This line totally grabbed me tonight...

Children from trauma want their parents to think they are alone because it's easier to control and pull someone into their drama if they are alone. Credit here

I think this is why our summer and winter camping trips, our support group, our smaller "girls' night out" and hopefully the retreat help to fight against. We gather, in numbers small and large, to support, to heal, to simply 'be' and that makes all the difference.

Especially when we bring our children and parents together, the magic seems to happen. I'm under no illusions that simply being together will make all the hurt and crap go away. But, we've all seen and felt the magic that occurs when our kids can get together, play, talk, and even go to the deep stuff about their lives - cause others get it. And, we as parents, we can have each others' back when the crap seems much too deep to even fathom getting out of.

I'm so thankful for this network that has evolved over the past few years. I knew, years back when I reached out to start/find a group, that I desperately needed to be connected. I could never have dreamt the importance it has taken. I am blessed - thank you all.

Writing about Orlando

I am so inspired about all the blogs I've been reading about the Orlando retreat that just happened this past weekend. Women who parent those kids from the hard places, who deal with trauma, sorrow, guilt, and shame on a daily basis, who choose to do this work - these women found some time for themselves.

I wasn't there - although I wanted to be - but I imagine it was a community of women who laughed, cried, hugged, laughed some more, and then went home to face their challenges with some new tools and maybe even a bit of peace.

I can't wait for our own retreat; much smaller, but hopefully just as beneficial for those of us who are attending.

Every day, you get up and face another day, knowing there may be phone calls from the school, the Ministry, the police. You put on your grown-up face and help your child with that inexplicable anger when inside you want to do anything but. You hug, hold, and heal. You are simply amazing, and you are a gift to the child/children that you help to come back from the trauma.

Their pain wasn't your doing, but their healing likely is. You are one kick-butt mama and I tip my hat to you.

One full house - and maybe one more?

We have one full house of moms looking to get away for a few days! I'm now building a waiting list, so if you are interested, please email me at tmkisil at gmail.com or leave a comment on the blog.

I have my eye on another house just down the way from our "Snowdrift Inn." See it at the side? Imagine that pretty house without all the white stuff (which, truth be told, I'm about done with).

To make this work, I would need six more people at $120 each (which would include accommodation and food). The sleeping arrangements would be:

1 bedroom with two sets of bunk beds (this could hold 2-4 people - bring your friends!)
1 bedroom with a single bed and a bunk bed (again, this could hold 2 or 3 people)
2 bedrooms with a queen bed in each

If you are interested in joining us, but you weren't able to commit before now, here is a second chance for you. Please don't put any money down yet. Just contact me via email and I'll add you to the list.

Deadline - April 7, 2011 (that's one month from today)

Cheers,
Teresa

PS. My thoughts are with all the women who are gathering together in Orlando this weekend - have a great time!! You all deserve it!

The money thing

March 1, which seemed SO far away when I first set this retreat up, is fast approaching. This is the date I'd originally set for the $50 "hold your spot" payment. If you haven't yet paid this (and, only two people have so far), please send in your moola asap. You can send me a cheque, use the Paypal link at the side, stop me on the street (well, those of you who are local, anyway!).

If you won't be coming, please let me know that as well so I can open your spot up. But - please come!!!! It won't be the same without you - yes, I'm talking to you! :-)

If you need me to send a form to you, email me at tmkisil at gmail.com

Cheers,
Teresa

The Power of "Away"

This weekend, four families that all share a common bond of adoption, got together for a winter getaway. It was so, so powerful for all involved. At one point, I overheard a couple of my kids talking to another child about adoption in the same tone as they might ask "So, what's your favourite toy?". It was as if we re-wrote the definition of 'normal' for just a couple of days.

As parents, we had the opportunity to just watch our children interact with others without having to worry about explaining their offbeat behaviours. We got to see other parents and how they handle things. We shared meals as families, and as one large group as well.

I can't overstate how empowering it was for me personally to just be away and to just feel normal. It seems like it has been months since I felt that way; maybe since the last time we all went camping together last summer.

My husband and I came back refreshed and ready to tackle the next parenting challenge, whatever it may be. It felt so amazing to know that we are not alone. There are days, weeks, and even months when we have felt just that way. Weekends like this (and hopefully the May retreat) reinforce the connection and chase away that isolated feeling.

Make that three...

Here's a chance for you and two of your friends to come as a group! One of our moms has had to back out, so we have three spaces available.

Two - count 'em - two!

We are down to just TWO spaces left in the original house for our Moms Away weekend! I think that is absolutely awesome. Two is also the number of people who have sent in their deposits, so please let this act as a gentle reminder about that as well.

Cheers!

Courage

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.” ~ Mary Ann Radmacher

Many of you moms and dads are amongst the courageous; those who get up day after day - tired, but not beaten. My hat is off to all of you. You are making a difference to a child (or 2 or 12 or 40) by just trying and trying and trying again. Even if it looks like failure and feels like failure; there is success in the very attempt.

I sometimes forget to give myself a break; my own expectations for myself as a mother get in the way of my reality. That often causes me grief and stress, and no little amount of guilt. Yet, when I can step back and just breathe for a moment, I can see that, although not perfect, I am just brave enough to say, "I'll try again tomorrow."

The days that are toughest are the ones that I just can't say that. I don't know about you, but those are the ones that eat away at my own belief in myself and my parenting.

So, here's to you, me, and all of us and to that quiet strength that whispers, "Okay, one more day."

Teresa

AFABC

I'm very excited - the Adoptive Families Association of BC has offered/agreed to be connected to the retreat! I've been a volunteer with them for a few years now, since I started up our local Coffee & Chat group. I've alway been impressed by their willingess to take on the tough stuff about adoption; to ask the questions that we, as individual parents, cannot always ask the politicians, social workers, etc.

More than anything else, I feel that the AFABC is there for people at every stage in the adoption process. My children love to see the celebratory pictures (they felt like stars when their own announcement was published). My eldest often turns to the profile, as she feels deeply about children remaining in the foster system. We've borrowed books from the extensive library, gathered great advice on the phone and from the website, and had some great discussions at our coffee & chat group.

I think this is awesome news! (And, I want to send a special shout-out to Dianna, who is such an amazing 'adoption support coordinator.' Thanks!!!

And - look! We're even on their website. How cool is that!

Giving voice to the yuckies

So, a BIG part of why I organized this "Moms Away" retreat was that I really, really wanted to go to Orlando to join with all the other moms. I flip-flopped back and forth, and finally decided that I just could not justify the expense. However, I just read Corey's post about fears and I cried. At first I thought - what are you doing in my head? Then, I realized that there are so many of us who deal with unimaginable things every day. And, we get up the next day and do it all again. It's amazing really.

To add to Corey's impressive list, here are a few of those yucky thoughts of my own:
* How did I ever think I could handle all of this?
* I can't be honest with the people I love about my kids, because I don't want anyone else judging them or me.
* This hurts so much.
* If it hurts me this much, I can't even imagine what it is like for my children.
* I love them so much; shouldn't I be able to make it all better?
* Will my marriage survive raising our children?
* What was I thinking?
* I am so mad at . Why isn't he/she/they here helping this child survive this?
* I am not the parent I thought I would be. Some days, I am so much less; some days, so much more.
* One day at a time - some days, one breath at a time.
* It is what it is.

These are all just my thoughts - and even here, I am self-editing as I don't want to be judged. One hundred nineteen days until Moms Away where no self-editing will be necessary. Just honesty, rejuvenation, and connection.

I can't wait!

Resolutions

What are you doing for yourself in 2011? I know that, as moms, we tend to be at the bottom of our own lists of people to take care of. I don't normally make resolutions, but I've made a couple this year.

The first one is to clean out my pantry. I've been reading lots of different blogs lately (about Haiti, living simply, saving money, helping each other). I tend to hoard food - a holdover from my mother's habit, I think - and my cupboards are rarely empty. I spend way too much on groceries each month, and I still have those "we have nothing to eat nights." I decided that, until the contents of my two fridges, freezer, and multiple cupboards have been almost used up, I'm only going to shop for milk, eggs, cheese, fruits, and veggies. I'm two weeks in, and it's going well. We're having some interesting meals, but overall, it's working. (When I made cupcakes the other night out of a cake mix, my children were stunned - "what's the occasion?") What I didn't expect is the huge time savings this would give. Instead of spending an hour or two at the grocery store every week, I spend 15 minutes getting the stuff I actually need. I don't look at sales or specials or lost-leaders. In and out. Little tiny grocery bills (tens instead of hundreds), little bit of time, and a good feeling that I'm not contributing to a wasteful lifestyle. (Did I mention I throw out less now as well?)

My second resolution is harder. I resolved to take care of myself on a daily and monthly basis. To put myself first for just a few minutes each day. So far, I'm about 50/50 on this one.

BUT - I know I have the retreat coming up which is totally just for me (and those of you who come as well!) I figure that will tip the scales significantly.

The first house is now half full, which is absolutely amazing! Five other women are putting themselves first for a weekend and saying, "I need this!"

What will you do for you this year? Will you join us at Silver Star (or one of the other retreats that are around)? Will you go for a walk after dinner twice a week? Will you lock the bathroom door and soak in the tub for just ten minutes?