forty-nine

Forty-nine - that's not my age (not quite yet) but the number of days until Moms Away! I'm so excited, and yet, a little nervous.

When I first started organizing this, I thought, "Oh well, I'll go even if no one else does." Now, however, there are nine other moms giving up time with their families to travel here and hang out together. We seem to have two groups of five moms who know each other in real life. I think it's interesting how that has come together.

I haven't spent a bunch of time worrying about people getting to know one another, knowing that women can usually find something to talk about. However, I do want it to be more than just a weekend away (although that's good in itself). I so want it to be a place where the unthinkable can be thought, the unspeakable can be whispered, spoken, or maybe even shouted. I want it to be a place of healing, resting, laughter, relaxation, good food... I deeply desire that the women will find something over the weekend that will help them in even a small way.

Don't want much, do I? I guess I just don't want to disappoint these amazing women.

No point fretting about it now. In just 49 sleeps, I can fret about it in real-time!

I Won't Let Go

Last night, we had  crazy, tear-your-hair-out meltdowns from one of the three. Finally, the child in question fell asleep, exhausted beyond measure by the extremity of her emotions and physical actions. My husband and I, bruised both physically and emotionally ourselves by the length and depth of the crap  feelings, collapsed on the couch and asked ourselves, "What was THAT all about?"

Oh - that's right - school resumed yesterday after a two-week break. She had been telling us, "I don't want to go back to school." And, even though it was a red-letter day at school, with recognition in front of the school assembly for excellence in social behaviours (perhaps because of that), it was just too much for her.

I've never actually heard a child scream that loudly. At one point - when she was kicking and punching me while screaming - I opened the front door and stood on the front step so that the neighbours could see that I was not doing anything to my child other than standing in the fire.

And, then, at the end there is, of course, shame. That's one of the toughest to deal with - it's such an insidious emotion, working from within to destroy and damage one's own self-value. Guilt says, "I did a bad thing." Shame whispers, "I am a bad person."

On Tuesdays, I leave early (around 6:30) to commute an hour to work. On my way, I heard a song that brought me to tears and lightened my heart at the same time. It reflects my feelings towards my kids and also towards the adoption connection and communities that have become my lifeline - both "real" and "virtual."

I won't let go either.

Desperately Seeking Something

Yesterday, my hubbie asked me for a list of blogs to read of people in his position. The problem is, I don't know of any and so I'm asking for help.

He is the stay-at-home parent and, therefore, often the main target of all the yuckies. We would both like me to be in his shoes, but that's just not the way our world is working. So, I get to leave every day for eight hours of sanity work while he stays home.

I've given him my list of blogs that keep me sane and help me deal with the meltdowns, the rejection, the triangulation, the bullying, etc. and he has started to read them. However, it really would be great if there were at least a few from a man's perspective that he could access as well.

Anyone know of any?