I Won't Let Go

Last night, we had  crazy, tear-your-hair-out meltdowns from one of the three. Finally, the child in question fell asleep, exhausted beyond measure by the extremity of her emotions and physical actions. My husband and I, bruised both physically and emotionally ourselves by the length and depth of the crap  feelings, collapsed on the couch and asked ourselves, "What was THAT all about?"

Oh - that's right - school resumed yesterday after a two-week break. She had been telling us, "I don't want to go back to school." And, even though it was a red-letter day at school, with recognition in front of the school assembly for excellence in social behaviours (perhaps because of that), it was just too much for her.

I've never actually heard a child scream that loudly. At one point - when she was kicking and punching me while screaming - I opened the front door and stood on the front step so that the neighbours could see that I was not doing anything to my child other than standing in the fire.

And, then, at the end there is, of course, shame. That's one of the toughest to deal with - it's such an insidious emotion, working from within to destroy and damage one's own self-value. Guilt says, "I did a bad thing." Shame whispers, "I am a bad person."

On Tuesdays, I leave early (around 6:30) to commute an hour to work. On my way, I heard a song that brought me to tears and lightened my heart at the same time. It reflects my feelings towards my kids and also towards the adoption connection and communities that have become my lifeline - both "real" and "virtual."

I won't let go either.