Giving and taking

In this season of giving and sharing of ourselves, it's important that we also remember to take care of ourselves. I've talked to many moms who say things such as, "I'd like to come to the retreat, but it will be just too difficult for my child if I leave." I get that. I used to say very similar things.

I was shopping this week for stocking stuffers, and I was tempted to buy a few for the Mama-stocking. However, I had to stop myself, trusting that the Santa in my life will remember to take care of that. It was a good moment to stop and think about allowing others to give as well.

So often, we as moms through adoption are called upon to give and give and give some more without any expectation of return. Children who have been through painful separations and trauma often can give to strangers, looking for 'the next parent' just in case these ones don't work out. They may, however, find it difficult to give that same attention, cuddle, or smile to you. There are lots of good resources about attachment out there.

Every year around this time, we see echoes of past hurts in the behaviours, body movements, facial expressions, and words of our children. A wise friend told me this week that, for children of traumatic backgrounds, "Christmas was often the last hope to hold the family together." I believe that.

However, I'm learning to build constant bridges over the inevitable daily separations that my children must experience. My goal is that they do not have another separation that is "just too much to bear" (in the words of Dr. Gordon Neufeld.) When I kiss my kids good-night, I mention that I'm going to check on them in a few minutes, that I'm going to see them in the morning, or that I'm going to see them in my dreams. When I drop my teen off at work, I tell her what time I'll be there to pick her up. Little bridges so that they can start to feel that rubber band between us; the one that brings up back together when we've separated. Whether it's for a minute, a day, a weekend, or longer - we'll be together again as we should be.

I still miss my children when I'm away, and I hope as well that they are missing me on some level. However, these separations are not the traumatic separations of their past.

We still often have "fall-out" when we're back together, but that's okay. It's safe for my child(ren) to let me know that they didn't like being apart. And, hopefully, I've come back renewed, revitalized, and ready to give them everything they need.

That's my job - to preserve the attachment. It doesn't mean we have to be physically attached at all times, because we can build the connection between us through moments, days, and weeks of "see you in a few minutes; see you in the morning; see you after school."

What's the point of this ramble? Just to say that I understand that it can be really difficult to leave your children. If you are able to, however, there is a group of other moms who just might 'get it.'

Happy holidays and blessing for 2012.
Teresa