It's been quite a while since I last wrote. In that time, I've set up and filled up the next Moms Away even without advertising. A big part of me is regretful that we are already full as I know there are lots of other trauma mamas out there who have a real need to get together with other women walking a similar path.
Since MA12, the connections between many of the participants have deepened and thrived. There are times when many of us think about having a MA12 1/2, a fall weekend to get us through. ...maybe next year...
If you would like to be added to the waiting list, please do let me know.
Teresa
Monday, December 10, 2012
Monday, June 4, 2012
Other points of view
Here are some other participants' blogs - thanks for the words and photos.
http://rowanfamilytree.com/2012/06/03/moms-away-retreat-photos-and-more-reflections/
http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/post-retreat-thoughts/
http://rowanfamilytree.com/2012/06/03/moms-away-retreat-photos-and-more-reflections/
http://simplydar.wordpress.com/2012/05/30/post-retreat-thoughts/
Monday, May 28, 2012
MA12 over and out
Monday morning and back to the regular routine. It hardly seems possible that for the last few days, I've been truly a "mom away." Life returns so quickly to normal.
Is it worth the time and trouble to organize an event like this? Hours spent planning, shopping, emailing, thinking, dreaming - and then the actual event. YES!!!
This weekend is not a cure-all. Getting away for two nights is not going to change anyone's life dramatically. But, it might be the subtle shift that starts a healing process. Getting to meet other women who have walked a similar road might provide a glimpse into a brighter future. Someone may hear one phrase that creates a spark of hope. Another person may find a friend that they can call to share the good, the bad, and definitely the ugly.
This year was different for me personally. I found myself on the edge of things more; listening with an aching heart to stories of pain, despair, and disillusionment. I also overheard riotous laughter, quiet sounds of empathy, and sometimes, just a silence that wrapped people like a warm hug. I was much more emotional than I expected to be. I often had tears threatening to spill over for a number of reasons. I ached for those who have felt alone; I wept for losses and gains, hopes and fears; my own strong emotions came to the surface as I listened in awe to women who work so hard for the children they love.
I love that this place we've all created together is a place of non-judgment. People napped without guilt, went for solitary or group walks, sat and read books, talked and talked some more, danced!, and maybe ate a little bit.
For me, the food was really important. I know I cooked too much, but I had motives behind my menus. First, I needed to make sure that every Mama had something she could eat. So, I needed a variety of choices. Second, I wanted to make sure that I had nurturing, fresh food as much as possible. That also helped out with reason three, which is I wanted to make sure I could have lots of fellowship in the kitchen. Chopping, cutting, stirring, etc., small groups of women had another chance to chat.
Sure, we could have probably thrown a bunch of pizzas in the oven and called it dinner, but I wanted to feed the souls as well as the bodies. The anticipation from the posted menus, the aroma of carrot cake wafting through the house, the pretty layers of the torta rustica, the extra touches for the morning coffee: these were all thought to bring small moments of pleasure and happiness. And, to be honest, feeding people well also totally feeds my own soul. I'm happy when I can make people feel good through the gifts I bring to the table.
As I drove away from the house, I found myself not quite ready to believe it was done for another year already. Like last year, I am not able to process it all right away. Little pieces pop up when I least expect them to. Small moments are working their way to my heart as I think about conversations I had with different women. I will always remember my conversation about gratitude with one mom; I chose to start living that way immediately and I've already felt the change in myself.
I loved seeing small groups of women chatting quietly on the deck, in the hottub, or in one of the living rooms. I cherished hearing peals of laughter from around the wine tasting table. My heart still has the echo of hurt from hearing some painful stories. And, I am so grateful to be able to measure the growth in my own family by what I said and felt last year to what I said and felt this year.
And - that's a wrap! MA13 in the planning stages already. :-)
Teresa
This weekend is not a cure-all. Getting away for two nights is not going to change anyone's life dramatically. But, it might be the subtle shift that starts a healing process. Getting to meet other women who have walked a similar road might provide a glimpse into a brighter future. Someone may hear one phrase that creates a spark of hope. Another person may find a friend that they can call to share the good, the bad, and definitely the ugly.
This year was different for me personally. I found myself on the edge of things more; listening with an aching heart to stories of pain, despair, and disillusionment. I also overheard riotous laughter, quiet sounds of empathy, and sometimes, just a silence that wrapped people like a warm hug. I was much more emotional than I expected to be. I often had tears threatening to spill over for a number of reasons. I ached for those who have felt alone; I wept for losses and gains, hopes and fears; my own strong emotions came to the surface as I listened in awe to women who work so hard for the children they love.
I love that this place we've all created together is a place of non-judgment. People napped without guilt, went for solitary or group walks, sat and read books, talked and talked some more, danced!, and maybe ate a little bit.
For me, the food was really important. I know I cooked too much, but I had motives behind my menus. First, I needed to make sure that every Mama had something she could eat. So, I needed a variety of choices. Second, I wanted to make sure that I had nurturing, fresh food as much as possible. That also helped out with reason three, which is I wanted to make sure I could have lots of fellowship in the kitchen. Chopping, cutting, stirring, etc., small groups of women had another chance to chat.
Sure, we could have probably thrown a bunch of pizzas in the oven and called it dinner, but I wanted to feed the souls as well as the bodies. The anticipation from the posted menus, the aroma of carrot cake wafting through the house, the pretty layers of the torta rustica, the extra touches for the morning coffee: these were all thought to bring small moments of pleasure and happiness. And, to be honest, feeding people well also totally feeds my own soul. I'm happy when I can make people feel good through the gifts I bring to the table.
As I drove away from the house, I found myself not quite ready to believe it was done for another year already. Like last year, I am not able to process it all right away. Little pieces pop up when I least expect them to. Small moments are working their way to my heart as I think about conversations I had with different women. I will always remember my conversation about gratitude with one mom; I chose to start living that way immediately and I've already felt the change in myself.
I loved seeing small groups of women chatting quietly on the deck, in the hottub, or in one of the living rooms. I cherished hearing peals of laughter from around the wine tasting table. My heart still has the echo of hurt from hearing some painful stories. And, I am so grateful to be able to measure the growth in my own family by what I said and felt last year to what I said and felt this year.
And - that's a wrap! MA13 in the planning stages already. :-)
Teresa
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Letter to the mamas
Driving to work this morning, I found myself unexpectedly emotional. I was thinking of all the things I need to do still to get ready for Moms Away this weekend (tomorrow!!), and then I started thinking of all the mamas who are also getting ready. Getting ready to kiss their beautiful kids farewell for just a couple of nights; giving them extra snuggles and reassurances that "mommy always comes back"; feeling conflicting emotions of excitement, fear, nervousness, anticipation, and hope.
I'm so grateful that 16 other women have chosen to come away with me to a beautiful house in the mountains for a couple days of relaxation, fun, and hopefully connection. You moms give your hearts and souls to your children everyday. You worry about how they will adjust in school; whether or not they will heal from those early days; how you will maintain relationships with birth family members because that matters to your child; how you will tell your child the tough stuff; sometimes how you will get through the next ten minutes.
My hope is that for a couple of days, you can let someone else worry about you and take care of you. That you can put your feet up if that is what you wish. That you can sleep in as long as you want and have a cup of coffee waiting for you whenever you decide to come out of your room. That you can connect with a friend or two. That you can lay the worries down for just a few hours, and that when you pick them up again, perhaps they are just a little bit lighter.
I am feeling so blessed to be surrounded by all you amazing women - and I don't even know you all yet.
Safe travels; I will see you tomorrow!
Hugs,
Teresa
I'm so grateful that 16 other women have chosen to come away with me to a beautiful house in the mountains for a couple days of relaxation, fun, and hopefully connection. You moms give your hearts and souls to your children everyday. You worry about how they will adjust in school; whether or not they will heal from those early days; how you will maintain relationships with birth family members because that matters to your child; how you will tell your child the tough stuff; sometimes how you will get through the next ten minutes.
My hope is that for a couple of days, you can let someone else worry about you and take care of you. That you can put your feet up if that is what you wish. That you can sleep in as long as you want and have a cup of coffee waiting for you whenever you decide to come out of your room. That you can connect with a friend or two. That you can lay the worries down for just a few hours, and that when you pick them up again, perhaps they are just a little bit lighter.
I am feeling so blessed to be surrounded by all you amazing women - and I don't even know you all yet.
Safe travels; I will see you tomorrow!
Hugs,
Teresa
Monday, May 14, 2012
Monday, April 30, 2012
House full of mamas!
With our two newest participants joining us today, Halycon House is now officially FULL!!! Wow - that's fantastic! If you could see me, you'd see me doing a happy dance - tough thing to do when you're typing at the same time.
At the moment, I am keeping a waiting list open for a few more weeks for Tranquility House. If we happen to have another last-minute rush, then I can still run the second house. (I have until May 15 or so to officially cancel it.)
At the moment, I am keeping a waiting list open for a few more weeks for Tranquility House. If we happen to have another last-minute rush, then I can still run the second house. (I have until May 15 or so to officially cancel it.)
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
all about the house
It's been some time since I looked at photos of our house for the weekend. Tonight, I went on the site (http://www.ownerdirect.com/the-knoll/vacation-rentals/201022) and had some happy moments... The photos are little, but if you click on the website above, you can see view them in all their glory.
And - did I mention we're now just 28 days away? Not that I'm counting or anything.
And - did I mention we're now just 28 days away? Not that I'm counting or anything.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Who's Coming for Dinner - updated
Due to some cancellations, I have decided to cancel the second house for the retreat. The downside - we lose a bit of money; the upside - we are all together. I'll go with the upside!
Here's our updated list of attendees:
Amanda
Angeline
Arnica
Chani
Chelsea
Cindy
Dar
Jen
Joyanne
Justine
Margaret
Maxine
Michelle
Sandy
Shelley
Tara
Teresa
Here's our updated list of attendees:
Amanda
Angeline
Arnica
Chani
Chelsea
Cindy
Dar
Jen
Joyanne
Justine
Margaret
Maxine
Michelle
Sandy
Shelley
Tara
Teresa
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Mama2Mama
About 8 months ago, I created a Kiva team called "Mama2Mama." Kiva is a microbanking organization that provides loans to the working poor. Typically, these are people that cannot obtain funding from regular banks. I join my money with that of other contributors. The people who receive the money repay it as they can (like, one dollar a month for two years, for example.)
Someone contributed a large amount of money to encourage people to join this microbanking effort. For a short time, you can use that person's money to make a $25 loan to a person or group in another country. If you're interested, you can follow this link: http://www.kiva.org/invitedby/teresa9205
I've been interested in microbanking for about 15 years. I believe that, when women and girls are supported, they change the lives of their families. (I'm sure it works the same for men as well; my focus is just on the mamas.)
As mamas, we all know what a little support can do.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Invoices out
Hi everyone,
The invoices are up on Eventbrite (you will have already been emailed about this.) If you have any questions, please do let me know. The $50 that you put down as a deposit is equivalent to the food amount for the weekend; therefore, the amount remaining is the room amount.
If you thought you booked a single room and were charged for a shared (or vise versa), please contact me.
The article I wrote about last year's retreat is set to be published in this month's Focus magazine. I hope that we will get a few more people from that article; otherwise, we will look at consolidating the two houses into one again. (A few people have had to cancel.)
My email address is tmkisil at gmail dot com.
The invoices are up on Eventbrite (you will have already been emailed about this.) If you have any questions, please do let me know. The $50 that you put down as a deposit is equivalent to the food amount for the weekend; therefore, the amount remaining is the room amount.
If you thought you booked a single room and were charged for a shared (or vise versa), please contact me.
The article I wrote about last year's retreat is set to be published in this month's Focus magazine. I hope that we will get a few more people from that article; otherwise, we will look at consolidating the two houses into one again. (A few people have had to cancel.)
My email address is tmkisil at gmail dot com.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
You might be a trauma-mama
Ever seen that old skit "You might be a redneck if..."
Here's my take on that (and by the way, we are now less than 50 days away!).
You might be a trauma-mama if...
* you celebrate your child maintaining eye contact for 12.2 seconds
* you get used to finding food shoved in strange places in your home
* when you're talking about alphabet soup, you don't mean Campbells; you mean RAD, FASD, PTSD, etc
* you have a whole new group of friends who speak the same language - and you haven't even moved to a foreign country
* you flinch when you hear a police siren go by and wonder if they're coming to your house
* you find yourself feeling a strange emotion one day and, with wonder, recognize that it's happiness
- and that's just this week for me!
Here's my take on that (and by the way, we are now less than 50 days away!).
You might be a trauma-mama if...
* you celebrate your child maintaining eye contact for 12.2 seconds
* you get used to finding food shoved in strange places in your home
* when you're talking about alphabet soup, you don't mean Campbells; you mean RAD, FASD, PTSD, etc
* you have a whole new group of friends who speak the same language - and you haven't even moved to a foreign country
* you flinch when you hear a police siren go by and wonder if they're coming to your house
* you find yourself feeling a strange emotion one day and, with wonder, recognize that it's happiness
- and that's just this week for me!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Registration information
Just a reminder of the page for registration. We still have some shared rooms available (If you like, you could pay for both beds and have a room to yourself... we can be flexible!)
I am on spring break this week, so hope to get in touch with all of you amazing mamas this week to find out food preferences, allergies, etc.
The registration page is just for the deposit. The balance will be due by April 30; watch your email and this site for more information.
To register: http://2012momsaway.eventbrite.com/
67 days left!
I am on spring break this week, so hope to get in touch with all of you amazing mamas this week to find out food preferences, allergies, etc.
The registration page is just for the deposit. The balance will be due by April 30; watch your email and this site for more information.
To register: http://2012momsaway.eventbrite.com/
67 days left!
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Compassion Fatigue
I'm writing this from a conference in the States. Unfortunately, many of the speakers are presenting material I already know. However, I feel that if you get one or two solid things at a conference, then it is a worthwhile learning event.
Here's the thing I got yesterday - the idea of "compassion fatigue." When I heard about this term, I knew right away that I wanted to blog about it. Here is the first sentence: Caring too much can hurt.
I can only speak for myself, but I certainly can recognize the idea that I've been compassion-fatigued at certain times in my parenting journey. It's easy to martyr oneself as a mom (or dad). I know I have. Do any of these statements (which I have either thought or said at some point) sound familiar to you?
Here's the thing I got yesterday - the idea of "compassion fatigue." When I heard about this term, I knew right away that I wanted to blog about it. Here is the first sentence: Caring too much can hurt.
Here's a link to a self-test that you can take to see if you might be compassion fatigued. As you take it, replace the word "helper" with the word "parent." Here are just two questions from the test:
- I am not as productive at work because I am losing sleep over traumatic experiences of a person I parent.
- I think that I might have been affected by the traumatic stress of those I parent.
- I can't go out/away because no one can handle my kids
- I need to do this myself
- I chose to have this child (whether through birth or adoption), so I'm not allowed to regret this decision. That would make me a bad person/mother.
- I really want to ______________________ (fill in the blank), but I'll have to wait until my family life is in order. I really don't know when, if ever, that will be.
- I wish someone could swoop in and make this all better; I just don't know what to do anymore
- I am so tired
- I am exhausted
- I'm done with all of this
- I'm leaving - no, I'm not - yes, I am - no, I'm not
- I hate this. Wait, let me take that back. I'm not allowed to hate this. I still hate it...
What is the whole point of understanding compassion fatigue? I think it's to recognize that you might need a break, that you need to learn some self-care techniques, that in order to keep being compassionate and caring, you need to aim that compassion and care towards yourself.
You've probably all heard the metaphor that you need to put your oxygen mask on before you put one on someone else. If you're all out of oxygen (read energy, life, ability to care), how will you help those you care about?
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Connect Part Deux
So, one of the things we talked about last night is how everyone longs to belong; that attachment needs exist from the cradle to the grave. And, if those attachment needs aren't met within a family structure, a child/teen/adult will search for attachment and acceptance elsewhere. And - what elements of our society always have their door open? Gangs and cults. It's easy to get in; you are always welcome but once you're there, your life will never be the same.
This morning, I was listening to an interview with a former Neo-Nazi from Vancouver. He talked openly about how "he traded his humanity for acceptance." How he was looking for somewhere to fit in, a place that would accept him and give him a place to belong. He also talked about how he was struck by the fact that this was the same for all the people he met at a "Summit for Violent Extremists" that he attended in Dublin.
That one line haunts me still: I traded my humanity for acceptance.
This attachment work is hard. It's kick-your-butt hard, but it's so important.
This morning, I was listening to an interview with a former Neo-Nazi from Vancouver. He talked openly about how "he traded his humanity for acceptance." How he was looking for somewhere to fit in, a place that would accept him and give him a place to belong. He also talked about how he was struck by the fact that this was the same for all the people he met at a "Summit for Violent Extremists" that he attended in Dublin.
That one line haunts me still: I traded my humanity for acceptance.
This attachment work is hard. It's kick-your-butt hard, but it's so important.
Tuesday, February 28, 2012
Connect
I strongly believe in being resourceful, in searching out help and guidance in many different forms. My own opinion is that many parents, believing that they should 'go it alone' in adoption, cocoon within their own homes and struggle daily all by themselves. It's so easy to believe that you are the only one wading through the muck to attachment and healing.
A few months back, we reached out and found this resource (started at Maples, but now offered around the province and around the world.) We are committed to eleven weeks; the third session is in just a few hours. Although I consider myself fairly well educated on attachment, trauma, the impact of early neglect, etc., I am still learning something every night.
I like that the sessions are short (one hour + a free dinner each night). I like that it is a well-structured program, with a simple handout at the end of each session. I also like that we are given a challenge each week to focus on. Last week's was to "interpret your child's behaviour in a different way." I'm really keeping in mind a concept from the first week - one's (mis)behaviour is a way of saying that something is not right.
We've already seen changes in our family as we change our own reactions and interpretations. After all, we are the adults here. It's our responsibility to suck it up and do the work. The kids have their own work to do, but it has to begin with us (in my opinion anyway.)
It really all comes down to relationship, doesn't it? And, as a good friend of mine likes to say, "Relationships are not for wimps." I'd add a codicil: Neither is parenting!
A few months back, we reached out and found this resource (started at Maples, but now offered around the province and around the world.) We are committed to eleven weeks; the third session is in just a few hours. Although I consider myself fairly well educated on attachment, trauma, the impact of early neglect, etc., I am still learning something every night.
I like that the sessions are short (one hour + a free dinner each night). I like that it is a well-structured program, with a simple handout at the end of each session. I also like that we are given a challenge each week to focus on. Last week's was to "interpret your child's behaviour in a different way." I'm really keeping in mind a concept from the first week - one's (mis)behaviour is a way of saying that something is not right.
We've already seen changes in our family as we change our own reactions and interpretations. After all, we are the adults here. It's our responsibility to suck it up and do the work. The kids have their own work to do, but it has to begin with us (in my opinion anyway.)
It really all comes down to relationship, doesn't it? And, as a good friend of mine likes to say, "Relationships are not for wimps." I'd add a codicil: Neither is parenting!
Thursday, February 23, 2012
A gift of song
During my regular work day, I tend to move from one item on my "to do" list to the next without taking a breath. I leave home before my kids are awake, drive for an hour to work and then just get on with the business at hand for the next six or eight hours. Whatever. I'm the at-work parent, so that's just what I have to do.
Yesterday, however, I walked into my office to hear the opening notes of Rascal Flatts' "I Won't Let Go." This is a song that has made me pull my car over so I could cry without causing an accident. It's a song that I sing to myself when things are less than stellar. The lyrics simply resonate within me, healing a piece of me that has been hurt as I help my children to heal. I actually just sat at my desk and stared out the window, listening to the lyrics and letting the words and melody soothe my soul for a few moments.
Sometimes, poets and musicians can heal with their gifts. Words and music can be another form of support, and I, for one, will take all the support I can get on "those" days when it's all just too much.
Saturday, February 18, 2012
Less than 100
How did that happen? All of a sudden, we're less than 100 days away to our second Moms Away retreat. I am starting to panic a wee bit, as the second house is not filled yet. I haven't started making meal plans or anything. However, I'm taking a deep breath and just letting it go.
One of the successes of the weekend last year was the fact that there was no formal agenda. The women arrived when they did, shopped, talked, napped, laughed, cried, etc. when it was right for them. Not when it was right for me. Sometimes, I have to get out of my own way and just believe it will work out how it is supposed to.
Having said that, I do like to cook and care for large groups of people, so I hope we get a few more registrations in the next 70 days or so.
Between now and then, I just have to remember to breath in and out and to let things unfold as they should.
Ninety-five days and counting
One of the successes of the weekend last year was the fact that there was no formal agenda. The women arrived when they did, shopped, talked, napped, laughed, cried, etc. when it was right for them. Not when it was right for me. Sometimes, I have to get out of my own way and just believe it will work out how it is supposed to.
Having said that, I do like to cook and care for large groups of people, so I hope we get a few more registrations in the next 70 days or so.
Between now and then, I just have to remember to breath in and out and to let things unfold as they should.
Ninety-five days and counting
Friday, February 3, 2012
Mama2Mama
I've been thinking a lot lately about the support that women provide for each other in so many different ways. It is so easy to believe that you are the only person going through this bewildering, sometimes agonizing, role of being a parent through adoption. (I prefer not to say adoptive parent as it is the parenting that defines me, not the adopting. Adoption was a moment; parenting is a lifetime.)
Anyway, back to what I was saying. It is easy to feel alone, afraid, overwhelmed, even embarrassed. I've been there. I've always considered myself a fairly intelligent, successful person. There weren't too many things that I felt could throw me off-balance. Infertility was certainly one of them, and it seems like parenting is another! In both of these journeys, I felt like I had no control over the process or the outcome. And, as an educator, I am rather attached to outcomes. I like good grades, a good paycheque, praise from those around me; you get the picture.
Well - almost six years into my parenting journey, I still have days when I feel like a rookie. Days when I would prefer not to tackle the issue at hand. Days when I don't want to be all therapeutic and focused on my child's healing. There are days when I'd just like to say, "deal with it" and walk out of the room. (There may even be days when those exact words are spoken - just saying, there might be those days every now and again.)
I have found a depth of understanding and reassurance in the women who I've met along the way. Friends I knew BA (before adoption) are still around, but those relationships have taken a beating. I don't want to make my kids look bad by telling the truth; yet, I need to tell the truth to someone. I need to say the words, "This is really flipping hard. I don't like this at all."
And, yet, I need to respect my children and their stories. I hesitate to write even this much, for I don't want my children to ever, ever feel that I regret the decision to join my life with theirs. I know that they would, if asked, say "This is really flipping hard. I don't like this at all" as well.
For me, those rare moments when I can come face-to-face with my own limitations in a nurturing, reciprocating environment are the moments that keep me going through the tough stuff.
I hope that, if you're reading this, you too have a network of support. (As always, I invite you to join our retreat in May, but this post is not really just for that.)
See you in May!
Teresa
Anyway, back to what I was saying. It is easy to feel alone, afraid, overwhelmed, even embarrassed. I've been there. I've always considered myself a fairly intelligent, successful person. There weren't too many things that I felt could throw me off-balance. Infertility was certainly one of them, and it seems like parenting is another! In both of these journeys, I felt like I had no control over the process or the outcome. And, as an educator, I am rather attached to outcomes. I like good grades, a good paycheque, praise from those around me; you get the picture.
Well - almost six years into my parenting journey, I still have days when I feel like a rookie. Days when I would prefer not to tackle the issue at hand. Days when I don't want to be all therapeutic and focused on my child's healing. There are days when I'd just like to say, "deal with it" and walk out of the room. (There may even be days when those exact words are spoken - just saying, there might be those days every now and again.)
I have found a depth of understanding and reassurance in the women who I've met along the way. Friends I knew BA (before adoption) are still around, but those relationships have taken a beating. I don't want to make my kids look bad by telling the truth; yet, I need to tell the truth to someone. I need to say the words, "This is really flipping hard. I don't like this at all."
And, yet, I need to respect my children and their stories. I hesitate to write even this much, for I don't want my children to ever, ever feel that I regret the decision to join my life with theirs. I know that they would, if asked, say "This is really flipping hard. I don't like this at all" as well.
For me, those rare moments when I can come face-to-face with my own limitations in a nurturing, reciprocating environment are the moments that keep me going through the tough stuff.
I hope that, if you're reading this, you too have a network of support. (As always, I invite you to join our retreat in May, but this post is not really just for that.)
See you in May!
Teresa
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