Connect

I strongly believe in being resourceful, in searching out help and guidance in many different forms. My own opinion is that many parents, believing that they should 'go it alone' in adoption, cocoon within their own homes and struggle daily all by themselves. It's so easy to believe that you are the only one wading through the muck to attachment and healing.

A few months back, we reached out and found this resource (started at Maples, but now offered around the province and around the world.) We are committed to eleven weeks; the third session is in just a few hours. Although I consider myself fairly well educated on attachment, trauma, the impact of early neglect, etc., I am still learning something every night.

I like that the sessions are short (one hour + a free dinner each night). I like that it is a well-structured program, with a simple handout at the end of each session. I also like that we are given a challenge each week to focus on. Last week's was to "interpret your child's behaviour in a different way." I'm really keeping in mind a concept from the first week - one's (mis)behaviour is a way of saying that something is not right.

We've already seen changes in our family as we change our own reactions and interpretations. After all, we are the adults here. It's our responsibility to suck it up and do the work. The kids have their own work to do, but it has to begin with us (in my opinion anyway.)

It really all comes down to relationship, doesn't it? And, as a good friend of mine likes to say, "Relationships are not for wimps." I'd add a codicil: Neither is parenting!

A gift of song

During my regular work day, I tend to move from one item on my "to do" list to the next without taking a breath. I leave home before my kids are awake, drive for an hour to work and then just get on with the business at hand for the next six or eight hours. Whatever. I'm the at-work parent, so that's just what I have to do.

Yesterday, however, I walked into my office to hear the opening notes of Rascal Flatts' "I Won't Let Go." This is a song that has made me pull my car over so I could cry without causing an accident. It's a song that I sing to myself when things are less than stellar. The lyrics simply resonate within me, healing a piece of me that has been hurt as I help my children to heal. I actually just sat at my desk and stared out the window, listening to the lyrics and letting the words and melody soothe my soul for a few moments.

Sometimes, poets and musicians can heal with their gifts. Words and music can be another form of support, and I, for one, will take all the support I can get on "those" days when it's all just too much. 

Less than 100

How did that happen? All of a sudden, we're less than 100 days away to our second Moms Away retreat. I am starting to panic a wee bit, as the second house is not filled yet. I haven't started making meal plans or anything. However, I'm taking a deep breath and just letting it go.

One of the successes of the weekend last year was the fact that there was no formal agenda. The women arrived when they did, shopped, talked, napped, laughed, cried, etc. when it was right for them. Not when it was right for me. Sometimes, I have to get out of my own way and just believe it will work out how it is supposed to.

Having said that, I do like to cook and care for large groups of people, so I hope we get a few more registrations in the next 70 days or so.

Between now and then, I just have to remember to breath in and out and to let things unfold as they should.

Ninety-five days and counting

Mama2Mama

I've been thinking a lot lately about the support that women provide for each other in so many different ways. It is so easy to believe that you are the only person going through this bewildering, sometimes agonizing, role of being a parent through adoption. (I prefer not to say adoptive parent as it is the parenting that defines me, not the adopting. Adoption was a moment; parenting is a lifetime.)

Anyway, back to what I was saying. It is easy to feel alone, afraid, overwhelmed, even embarrassed. I've been there. I've always considered myself a fairly intelligent, successful person. There weren't too many things that I felt could throw me off-balance. Infertility was certainly one of them, and it seems like parenting is another! In both of these journeys, I felt like I had no control over the process or the outcome. And, as an educator, I am rather attached to outcomes. I like good grades, a good paycheque, praise from those around me; you get the picture.

Well - almost six years into my parenting journey, I still have days when I feel like a rookie. Days when I would prefer not to tackle the issue at hand. Days when I don't want to be all therapeutic and focused on my child's healing. There are days when I'd just like to say, "deal with it" and walk out of the room. (There may even be days when those exact words are spoken - just saying, there might be those days every now and again.)

I have found a depth of understanding and reassurance in the women who I've met along the way. Friends I knew BA (before adoption) are still around, but those relationships have taken a beating. I don't want to make my kids look bad by telling the truth; yet, I need to tell the truth to someone. I need to say the words, "This is really flipping hard. I don't like this at all."

And, yet, I need to respect my children and their stories. I hesitate to write even this much, for I don't want my children to ever, ever feel that I regret the decision to join my life with theirs. I know that they would, if asked, say "This is really flipping hard. I don't like this at all" as well.

For me, those rare moments when I can come face-to-face with my own limitations in a nurturing, reciprocating environment are the moments that keep me going through the tough stuff.

I hope that, if you're reading this, you too have a network of support. (As always, I invite you to join our retreat in May, but this post is not really just for that.)

See you in May!
Teresa

Giving and taking

In this season of giving and sharing of ourselves, it's important that we also remember to take care of ourselves. I've talked to many moms who say things such as, "I'd like to come to the retreat, but it will be just too difficult for my child if I leave." I get that. I used to say very similar things.

I was shopping this week for stocking stuffers, and I was tempted to buy a few for the Mama-stocking. However, I had to stop myself, trusting that the Santa in my life will remember to take care of that. It was a good moment to stop and think about allowing others to give as well.

So often, we as moms through adoption are called upon to give and give and give some more without any expectation of return. Children who have been through painful separations and trauma often can give to strangers, looking for 'the next parent' just in case these ones don't work out. They may, however, find it difficult to give that same attention, cuddle, or smile to you. There are lots of good resources about attachment out there.

Every year around this time, we see echoes of past hurts in the behaviours, body movements, facial expressions, and words of our children. A wise friend told me this week that, for children of traumatic backgrounds, "Christmas was often the last hope to hold the family together." I believe that.

However, I'm learning to build constant bridges over the inevitable daily separations that my children must experience. My goal is that they do not have another separation that is "just too much to bear" (in the words of Dr. Gordon Neufeld.) When I kiss my kids good-night, I mention that I'm going to check on them in a few minutes, that I'm going to see them in the morning, or that I'm going to see them in my dreams. When I drop my teen off at work, I tell her what time I'll be there to pick her up. Little bridges so that they can start to feel that rubber band between us; the one that brings up back together when we've separated. Whether it's for a minute, a day, a weekend, or longer - we'll be together again as we should be.

I still miss my children when I'm away, and I hope as well that they are missing me on some level. However, these separations are not the traumatic separations of their past.

We still often have "fall-out" when we're back together, but that's okay. It's safe for my child(ren) to let me know that they didn't like being apart. And, hopefully, I've come back renewed, revitalized, and ready to give them everything they need.

That's my job - to preserve the attachment. It doesn't mean we have to be physically attached at all times, because we can build the connection between us through moments, days, and weeks of "see you in a few minutes; see you in the morning; see you after school."

What's the point of this ramble? Just to say that I understand that it can be really difficult to leave your children. If you are able to, however, there is a group of other moms who just might 'get it.'

Happy holidays and blessing for 2012.
Teresa

So, who is coming for dinner?

Here is the list of those who are registered so far - come and join us!
(Updated December 21, 2011)

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

• Amanda
• Angeline
• Arnica
• Chelsea
• Cherylee
• Debbie
• Dianna
• Jen
• Joyanne
• Justine
• Michelle
• Sandy
• Shelley
• Tara
• Teresa
• YOUR NAME HERE

House update

A few weeks ago, I went for a long walk around the Silver Star Village (the hubbie and I had a "Parents Away" weekend!) After seeing that it was a fair walk  between the original two houses I had booked, I've switched the second house to this gorgeous looking house. It's in the same cul-de-sac as the first house.

I can't keep saying "first house" and "second house" so I'm going to create some names to keep things straight.

House #1 - Halcyon (house-mama - Teresa)
House #2 - Tranquility (house-mama  Chelsea)

It looks as if all the solo rooms are taken, but there are LOTS of shared rooms available. These are reasonable (i.e. CHEAP)! Get a group of friends together or come on your own and meet some women who really "get it."

Halcyon:
* five  beds still available ($100 for bed; $50 for food= $150 for a FANTASTIC weekend)

1. two beds available in a room for four people (two single/single bunks)
2. three beds available in a room with two single beds and one single/single bunks

Tranquility
* six beds still available (prices for bed in brackets; $50 per person for food regardless of bed)

1. one room with two queen ($130) /single bunks ($100)
2. one room with a double (TAKEN) /single bunk ($100)
3. one room with a king-sized bed ($200)

Any questions? Sent in your deposit? Please email me at tmkisil at gmail.com.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER