Giving and taking

In this season of giving and sharing of ourselves, it's important that we also remember to take care of ourselves. I've talked to many moms who say things such as, "I'd like to come to the retreat, but it will be just too difficult for my child if I leave." I get that. I used to say very similar things.

I was shopping this week for stocking stuffers, and I was tempted to buy a few for the Mama-stocking. However, I had to stop myself, trusting that the Santa in my life will remember to take care of that. It was a good moment to stop and think about allowing others to give as well.

So often, we as moms through adoption are called upon to give and give and give some more without any expectation of return. Children who have been through painful separations and trauma often can give to strangers, looking for 'the next parent' just in case these ones don't work out. They may, however, find it difficult to give that same attention, cuddle, or smile to you. There are lots of good resources about attachment out there.

Every year around this time, we see echoes of past hurts in the behaviours, body movements, facial expressions, and words of our children. A wise friend told me this week that, for children of traumatic backgrounds, "Christmas was often the last hope to hold the family together." I believe that.

However, I'm learning to build constant bridges over the inevitable daily separations that my children must experience. My goal is that they do not have another separation that is "just too much to bear" (in the words of Dr. Gordon Neufeld.) When I kiss my kids good-night, I mention that I'm going to check on them in a few minutes, that I'm going to see them in the morning, or that I'm going to see them in my dreams. When I drop my teen off at work, I tell her what time I'll be there to pick her up. Little bridges so that they can start to feel that rubber band between us; the one that brings up back together when we've separated. Whether it's for a minute, a day, a weekend, or longer - we'll be together again as we should be.

I still miss my children when I'm away, and I hope as well that they are missing me on some level. However, these separations are not the traumatic separations of their past.

We still often have "fall-out" when we're back together, but that's okay. It's safe for my child(ren) to let me know that they didn't like being apart. And, hopefully, I've come back renewed, revitalized, and ready to give them everything they need.

That's my job - to preserve the attachment. It doesn't mean we have to be physically attached at all times, because we can build the connection between us through moments, days, and weeks of "see you in a few minutes; see you in the morning; see you after school."

What's the point of this ramble? Just to say that I understand that it can be really difficult to leave your children. If you are able to, however, there is a group of other moms who just might 'get it.'

Happy holidays and blessing for 2012.
Teresa

So, who is coming for dinner?

Here is the list of those who are registered so far - come and join us!
(Updated December 21, 2011)

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

• Amanda
• Angeline
• Arnica
• Chelsea
• Cherylee
• Debbie
• Dianna
• Jen
• Joyanne
• Justine
• Michelle
• Sandy
• Shelley
• Tara
• Teresa
• YOUR NAME HERE

House update

A few weeks ago, I went for a long walk around the Silver Star Village (the hubbie and I had a "Parents Away" weekend!) After seeing that it was a fair walk  between the original two houses I had booked, I've switched the second house to this gorgeous looking house. It's in the same cul-de-sac as the first house.

I can't keep saying "first house" and "second house" so I'm going to create some names to keep things straight.

House #1 - Halcyon (house-mama - Teresa)
House #2 - Tranquility (house-mama  Chelsea)

It looks as if all the solo rooms are taken, but there are LOTS of shared rooms available. These are reasonable (i.e. CHEAP)! Get a group of friends together or come on your own and meet some women who really "get it."

Halcyon:
* five  beds still available ($100 for bed; $50 for food= $150 for a FANTASTIC weekend)

1. two beds available in a room for four people (two single/single bunks)
2. three beds available in a room with two single beds and one single/single bunks

Tranquility
* six beds still available (prices for bed in brackets; $50 per person for food regardless of bed)

1. one room with two queen ($130) /single bunks ($100)
2. one room with a double (TAKEN) /single bunk ($100)
3. one room with a king-sized bed ($200)

Any questions? Sent in your deposit? Please email me at tmkisil at gmail.com.

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

Registration now open!!

CLICK HERE TO REGISTER

We're just asking for a $50 deposit only at this time. We have two houses booked for the weekend, but we are going to fill the larger one first. Food is $50 per person, regardless of the room you book. There will also be an administrative fee for using EventBrite.

Here are the total costs for the first house:
* master bedroom with ensuite & sitting room -  $220 per room (SOLD OUT)
* master bedroom with ensuite - $180 per room (SOLD OUT)
* regular bedroom (no ensuite, one queen bed) $160 per room (SOLD OUT in the first house; three in the second)
* queen futon, single bed, bunk etc. - $100 per bed - 10 in the first house; 6 in the second). These are still great! I will honour as many roomie requests as possible. Once you've put done your deposit, email me and we'll talk.

This is our first house and this is our second (same as last year's retreat).

After you have sent in your deposit, please send me an email (tmkisil at gmail.com) to let me know. I'll also let you know who else is coming if you want to know!

If you'd like to know a bit more about Moms Away, check out these posts from last year.
Have Faith - Will Dream: Mum's Weekend Off - What we do when we get time off!
My article for AFABC magazine

Moms Away 2012 - coming soon!

Registration will open later this week. And, how is this for AMAZING timing! Dr. Bruce Perry is conducting a two-day workshop in Kelowna Thursday, May 24 and Friday, May 25. I've got to figure out a way to get to that. Imagine how on fire we all will be after listening to him and then having two days with other amazing moms to assimilate, discuss, debate, and reflect.

However, even if you can't come to Dr. Perry's workshop, I sure hope you can come to the retreat! We have two houses reserved for the weekend, for a grand total of 25 women. I've already heard from a number of people that they want to come, so get those credit cards ready! We'll be booking through EventBrite this year to keep the audit trail nice and clean.

May 2012 is going to be amazing; dare I say life-altering! Watch for more information here - and tell your friends. We all need each other!

Final report

I was asked to write a few paragraphs for the AFABC e-news. I thought I would also post a copy here.

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"Moms Away 2011" was the first annual retreat for adoptive moms held this May at Silver Star, BC. Although the participants could have wished for warmer weather (and less snow), the weekend was still worthwhile in so many ways. There is a subtle beauty in the coming together of a new group, with friendships seamlessly formed by a common bond - in our case, adoption. We shared our stories, knowing that we were in a place of non-judgement. With wonder, we all saw that we were not alone in our struggles or our joys. We all came together for rest, support, but also for affirmation that there are others who understand - and celebrate - our paths.

It's difficult to write about the weekend in some ways, as it was such a 'set-apart' time. It's not a case of 'what is said at the retreat, stays at the retreat' although I think we all appreciate the agreement of confidentiality. Words simply cannot express the instant connection between people, the reconnecting of existing friendships, or the deepening understanding of our shared journeys. I think one of the most powerful aspects for me was the recognition that this was 'real.' There was no sugar-coating or covering up. We told the truth how we felt and saw it, and we weren't judged for it.

We also learned so much from one another. This retreat was like an intensive workshop, where you are surrounded by parenting experts who are willing to tell you anything you want to know. But, it was a workshop with chocolate!

During the weekend, individuals or smaller groups often broke off to walk, shop, talk, dance, or simply rest. There were few planned activities, so each participant felt empowered to do just what she wanted to. With masssages, good food, and great conversation, the time passed quickly.

The Victoria Foundation generously provided us with a grant to support these 10 moms (who, in total, have 51 children!). I believe the money was well-spent, as I saw women who give so much to their children and families, be on the receiving end of gifts and generousity.

Sunday morning came quickly, yet saw moms ready to return to their 'regular' lives with a few more addreses in their email, a couple of hugs, and a promise of 'same time, next year!'

Don't just take my word for it

We had an amazing time - have a look at Justine's blog entry about Moms Away 2011.

Have Faith - Will Dream: Mum's Weekend Off - What we do when we get time off!